16-32-64 thirty-nine

Fatigue, tiredness, lethargy. Exhaustion, feebleness, languor.

Weariness.

It's been a day mostly spent in bed, once I'd dragged myself back from the hospital. A very odd appointment too - what I thought was primary tumour recurrence turns out to be first signs of lymphodema. What he thought was diabetes caused by steroids, wasn't. What I thought was oral thrush isn't. The stretch marks I thought were caused by Kadcyla is actually because of the steroids... Side effects fun goes on and on!

And now I have them in a lower dose, and need to come off them asap.

And I had bloods taken, did a pee test for the glucose and changed appointments around... So I was there for nearly three hours and slept for four when I got home. My eating is up the wall because if I go without for a few hours I feel terribly sick... But coming off the steroids has left me with little appetite. I can eat, just with little pleasure or gusto.

Had a fab time with my brother, the sister-in-law and the nearly-one-tear-old TJ. He's an incredibly happy child and such a pleasure to be around. The journey was long in both directions but I managed to nap which helped. I felt normal for a couple of days - I wish it had lasted longer really.

Much more to tell you, too fuzzy-headed to make much sense of my thoughts. Another day. There's always another day. Well, for now.

This lady says it better.

16-32-64 thirty-eight

I think we'll stick with 32 today. That doesn't seem so bad.

I've had a tough week coming off steroids - I've gone down from one every 36 hours to once every 48 and am suffering a lot of mood-switches (sometimes quite sudden), sickness in the mornings (again) and feeling like I've got a cold coming on when I get up - but it goes by lunchtime. Odd.

Anyway, there are lots of things I would really like to bitch about, but none of them really feel worth even the typing time. Except this - a new movie coming out in September. Another one about cancer. Another one about BREAST CANCER. And I'm tired of cancercancercancer everywhere. 

Watch the trailer before you read my thoughts; trailer here.

There aren't many things I have strong opinions about these days; but guilt has always been a deep part of my psyche and this is a new thing to feel guilty about in my life.

During my first treatment; Docetaxol chemotherapy (similarly insanely priced; but you only have six sessions) I cried for many hours over not being about to 'contribute' to the world whilst taking away so much. Not being able to work - and since then, having to retire from work - tore me to pieces. I can't remember who it was - I think our counseller at our group sessions - told me I was contributing to the lives of my family and friends. You don't have to work to be 'giving back'. That helped, but on days like today, not quite enough.